Tag Archives: Pregnancy

Empty; yet never full.

Since the beginning of time, the husband and I have been in agreement in terms of “Family planning”
We would not plan, nor prevent pregnancy. We would take what God gives us and be grateful.
And grateful we have been; for the 5 amazing boys we have today.
Of course I wonder at times, why I have not conceived in the last 10 years? Everything “seems” to be working fine. 
Occasionally I secretly desire more children. 
Especially a girl. There truly is a void in my heart for a little girl.
And then…..I have guilt. 
Guilt for desiring more.
What about all the woman who can’t even conceive one.
Is what God has given me not enough?
Of course it is.
“But, Lord……I have this void!”
My “cycle” is pretty regular. Never more than a day early/late.
So imagine my Surprise when I realized this past week at day two…that I hadn’t received my monthly visitor. At first it was not a big thought. I waited a day. But of course as an anxious person I began to sorta go crazy inside.
I even began to feel a little “giddy” inside. 
Could God really be trusting me with another one of His children?
Could this be my girl?
Of course, I kept quite. Not a peep to anyone. They would think I’m CrAzY for even THINKING about being excited at the thought of pregnancy. 
But wait…..”I don’t feel pregnant. Shouldn’t I know my own body?”
So, I broke down and took a test………… Negative! At this point, I was only 4 days late. 
I prayed. I prayed so hard asking God what His plan was?
Although the Negative test result starred me in the face, I wasn’t convinced. I mean, where was my period? I’m.Never.Late! 
Late day 5 as we were driving home from church the other night, hubby stopped to grab a pizza. Half way home, the smell of that pizza combined with the heat in the van made me so blasted nauseated. I nearly had my head hanging out the window. When we arrived home, I just couldn’t shake it; that nausea, so I went to bed.
As I lay there. I just knew that must have been it! I Must be pregnant!!!!
My heart Leaped with joy! A joy I can not explain! New Life….within me…could it be?
I eventually fell asleep dreaming of ways I would creatively tell my sweet husband. (at this point he knew nothing of my week)
I awoke in the morning………6 days after it’s “scheduled” arrival, and there it was.
My period.
I sat there, and wept.
Wept at the empty womb that wasn’t ever even filled.
I was angry at God. I felt deceived. Let down. Unworthy. Alone. Empty.

Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things.

Ecclesiastes 11:5

I do not even begin to compare my emotions during my “loss of what never was” with the emotions a women experiences with real loss. I have been there, I know that pain.
But this pain is real. And I’m trying not to feel so silly for feeling it.